Today President Trump announced his latest measure to fight the Covid19 infection, the amputation of the hands of every person residing in the United States and territories. “I have taken this bold and decisive action because any cost is worth it to save lives by fighting the virus,” he stated.

The president’s proposal calls for the setting up of hand amputation centers in every community, staffed by medical professionals. Dr. Anthony Fauci, of the National Institutes of Health, applauded the measure as salutary and appropriate. “There is a clear scientific consensus that the virus is spread by people using their hands to touch things.” Dr. Fauci added that the plan would be phased in by occupational groups, with medical professionals, White House staff, and members of Congress, given a temporary deferral.

Senator Charles Schumer slammed the president’s plan as “too little, too late.” “Why have we had to wait two months for hand amputation?” queried Senator Schumer, who went on to explain that the president’s measure didn’t go far enough. “People can also spread the infection by touching things with their feet, yet the president’s disgraceful, half-hearted, and ill-thought-out policy provides not a penny for foot amputation.”

Presidential contender Bernie Sanders said that while hand amputation of the entire population of the world is long overdue, Trump’s proposal is a scheme to reward his billionaire friends with juicy government contracts. A new department of the federal government should immediately be established to carry out all amputations, the money to be raised by taxing billionaires.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi declared that the first candidates for hand amputation should be the blue-collar working class, because these disgusting racists do nothing useful and their work can easily be replaced by robots. And without hands, they might find it more difficult to vote.

Presidential contender Joe Biden commented that hand amputation is “way, way overdue” but added, “This president has once again shown his criminal incompetence and disregard for the Constitution. George Washington didn’t die on Iwo Jima so that President Trump could be three-fifths of a person.” Biden recalled the time when he personally had to amputate the hand of an infected soldier during the Spanish flu epidemic, thereby saving millions of lives and ending World War II.

Congressperson Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez denounced the Trump plan as racist and misogynist because it didn’t single out the loathsome gringos in the woodpile who had invented the virus and were now profiting from it.

Representative Ilhan Omar pointed out that because of Sharia law, Muslim practitioners have a traditional expertise in hand amputation, and called for the recruitment of thousands of experts in this occupational field who are ready to move from the Middle East to the United States. “Hand amputation is a delicate matter which should not be carried out by the inexperienced,” she stated. Asked who would amputate the hands of people in the Middle East, she responded that this was not a priority, because the racist and imperialist United States was entirely responsible for the epidemic.

Some critics raised the fake issue of whether hand amputations might hurt America’s international competitiveness, but these ill-informed science deniers were soon put in their place. Nobel prize-winning economist Paul Krugman explained that a handless population would in fact be super-productive, which could be proved by second-order differential equations. Hand amputation would be a much-needed stimulus, as long as it was accompanied by other appropriate measures such as a hundred-percent marginal tax rate.

Political commentator Tucker Carlson pointed out that the Chinese might try to take advantage of a handless America by slyly using their temporary advantage in handedness to flood the American market with manufactured goods, forcibly compelling us to buy all kinds of stuff that we don’t want. To level the playing field, the US should bomb all Chinese industrial installations. “The one great principle to which I have devoted my life is the complete destruction of the Chinese people, whose rapid economic growth is an existential threat to America,” said Carlson. “The Chinese hate us: I have no idea why.”